Parental Crisis
In five months I am going to be a father. Just the thought of being a parent is daunting me. Like most parents, I want my kids to turn out good, but I don’t want to be a helicopter parent either. I have witnessed so many Vietnamese-American parents who spoil the shit out of the kids. They give the kids everything they wanted. They beg them to eat. Yet the most intolerable is the lack of respect from the children.
The overparenting continues even when the children go to college. I knew a couple who would think twice about buying something for themselves, but would provide their only boy whatever he desires. They worked hard and paid full college tuition for the boy. They bragged about him every chance they get. The parents even apologized when the kid was angry. From an outsider perspective, I felt bad for the parents.
I was also a spoiled child and I still am feeling guilty about it. My mother would give me everything that I needed even though she didn’t have much. She was always there to protect me in any situation. When I grew up enough to face the real world, I had a hard time dealing with reality when I realized that no one out there gives a fuck about me. No one pampered me the way my mother did.
It hit me hard. I was devastated and it took me quite some time to make the readjustment. I do not want this to happen to my kids. I want them to be ready when they face the real world. I want them to have the space to grow. If they fail, I want them to get up and learn from their failures. I hope that I won’t be so blind when dealing with my kids like the way the parents I have observed dealing with their kids. It would be a definitely failure on my part to spoil them.
Your concern is quite legitimate. America is an excellent place to raise your kids because children are encouraged to be outspoken and creative. It’s also a lousy place to bring them up because we are an egocentric and inward looking nation. In my opinion, having parents who are educated and multicultural is very conducive for kids to become well-rounded and compassionate adults. It’s sad the way some first generation parents, probably due to their own insecurity, encourage their children to be superficially and clownishly American. However, I’ve also seen kids who are the product of very enlightened parenting: those with sincere respect for their ancestral culture as well as empathy for the less fortunate immigrants around them while actively contributing to the well- being of the country they are living in. Give them love, support and a sense of self-worth without encouraging arrogance and self-importance would be a challenge that any good parent should be aware of. And someone like you, Donny, would be more than capable of overcoming.
In the commumist USA(capitalist name is just a cover-up),the children belong to the state: parents cannot control their children.The children do whatever they want in most cases.They are your real boss.You have to pay in many cases for their mistakes.You are born to lose.
Think again before you protest against my writing.
Hello, I have not had any children yet so I am not in a position to give you advice. Very well said, Butterfly, I like your comment.
All what I can say is I appreciate my parents very much for teaching me be myself and look outside of myself.
I agree with Butterfly. Excellent advice for all of us. It’s an art to strike an balance between giving our children what they want, what they need, and what we like them to have.
I think Donny’s feeling is well founded. I think it is also the first step in correcting the problem. I have two young daughters I am still learning but I would say don’t wait to give your kid siblings, and in all things teach them to love and teach them to share.
Most of today’s children get plenty spoil by the time they are two. They will have enough stuff to ruin them for the rest of their live and when you hear the first cry, you’ll understand exactly what I mean. For us growing up, we didn’t hear a whole lot of affirmation words and didn’t get much stuff that we didn’t work for, we feel a sense that we need to provide and lavish our kids especially with things we didn’t have, including a watchful parent. Everyone else is doing it which makes us we guilty if we don’t. We also have to match the Jones. Toys, toys, and more toys. Stuff, stuff, and stuff. Self-esteem and more self-esteem. Social pop-psychology everywhere teach us to praise kids. You have heard that for every one negative comment we should give 10 praises. In essence, don’t worry about over doing it. Lavish kids with big-heady words like you’re cute, you’re so handsome, you’re special, you’re the best, you’re so smart, you are great, that was awesome, good job….
Not that these words are bad, they are needed. Without a larger purpose to them however, the words are self-serving and as a result void. These children grow up and have a sense of entitlement. Because they think they are so great, who cares about you! “I don’t need no one.” As you can imagine, they will fail misery when they have to work with others where no one beside their parents is going to give them a cent.
Personally, I didn’t have much growing up but sibling, sharing, and love we had. My parents went out of their way to tell us they love us without saying those words. You know Vietnamese. They however did praise us when necessary and never put us down. In teaching, they would say things like “Bố cho con cái này nhưng con phải chia cho bố với mẹ nhe” hoặc “coi chừng té trúng chị con” hoặc “con làm vậy em sợ con”. They words have a wonderful way of reinforcing the idea of sharing, concerning, and thinking about others without making it a burden. I am indeed my brothers and my sisters keeper. Yes, my parents weren’t perfect. Considering however what was going on around them, I couldn’t have asked for better parents or could I be better parents. I hope that their lasting legacy is lived through me in my children. My 2 cents.
Chuc mung gia dinh Donny sap co em be. Nhung gi Donny viet o day rat giong suy nghi cua minh luc nay. Tui minh cung sap sinh be gai dau long vao cuoi thang 2 toi. Tui minh da ban bac voi nhau la se khong qua chieu chuong con de no muon gi duoc nay. Co gang day no lon len biet thuong nguoi, biet tu lap, va vap nga thi biet dung len. Best wish.
The wories never stop! I’m not married yet I’m already worried about how my kids will turn out. Co’ con moi thay cang thuong ba me hon. I think instead of having kids I will dedicate my whole life to love and provide in any way I can for my parents. =D
Donny for you to even think about this says alot about how mature and ready you are to be a good father :) I think growing up in a big family of 9 brothers and sisters was a big plus. I don’t mind sharing and all of my sisters and brothers are same way. We are very nuturing of one another. I only have 3 children and unfortunately they are very spoiled by both of us. Fortunately for us, they are very good students, kind and sweet so far. I will keep trying my best everyday and hope for the best.
Just let it be :)
First of all, Congratulations. It must be a special feeling. A mixture of lots of Joys and just a little worry. But i am sure u r proud.
While i am not married, and therefore no kids. I do have 6 nieces and nephews, and i see lots of kids at my dental surgery. So i do understand it is an art to bring up kids in this age.
The most important thing i think, is their health. And of course if the parents are in good health and non smokers-non alcoholic and non-drugs..the babies are lucky to have those parents..hehe..good genes and environment to grow up in. And i believe kids should grow up in a health focus environment, that is they learn to take care of their health as they grow, ie eat well, drink well, and Sport activities. that is why as parents, we should play sports or do some sorts of exercise. If we do we stay healthy, and we have the energy to look after the babies/ kids..And children will pick it up right at the start to enjoy the leisure activities. Let them have music lessons, or whatever form of arts or science they find passion in. We don’t force them but let them choose something they passionate about and further develope their skills through good guidance/ teaching.
Kids are like a blank paper. We teach them respects and love right from beginning. They will grow up learning to care and share. Explain to them, yet do not spoil them. Shelter them from all harms and nasty influences. Also let them know what is good and bad, and explain how lucky we are living in a lucky country. Show them that there are many many less fortunate than us. We would be surprise how early kids do understand that.
From my experience growing up, i’d say communication and the expression of love is the key to the parent/ child relationship. My parents love us dearly but i always have felt the expression was not there, and i’m sure it is very common in Vietnam families. We do not hug/ kiss/ etc..We rarely hear i love you! We have too much respects for our parents, We have some fear of talking to them. So it would have been great for us right from the beginning and through out our children life to show them love, and not only being parents , but also be their friends.
And the last thing i’d like to say is never put fear in their life. Be it the fear of Ghosts, or medical treatment or whatever.
And this is a good song for you to enjoy in this topic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yKgAEkCKxY
And i agree with Hoang
Let it be..relax and enjoy all the beauties the baby will bring!
Just give children as much of your time as you can – do things together. Enjoy their childhood while you can. Try to help them love learning, but don’t worry about whether they are ahead or behind your or anyone elses expectations.
To care for one another: to be there for one another, said one of my favorite spiritual teacher (-:
Wow! Thanks so much for all of your advice. This is what I love about having a blog. You guys rock!
I stopped working full tme since my first born came into the world. I was lucky that I could just work every Sat to keep my skills up to date. Time and attention are the best things that parents can give their children. We basically decided that one of us will be the care giver and one will pay the bills. As a result of more responsibility, my husband career took off and soon after that I didn’t have to work at all. So Donny your career will take off to another level after you have children!
So children bring alot of love and good luck charms :)
There is only one thing I hope all new Vietnamese parents to learn and that is, don’t yell and nag at your children. This is one of the most humiliating parenting practices we all inherited from our parents and we got to break this chain. Yelling and nagging will destroy your children’s self esteem and worse yet, they will learn to harbor a sense of violence/dictatorship later in life. That will certainly land them nowhere in building a healthy relationship with everybody else around them. And you know, relationship/team work is key to success in this world.
I hated it when my parents yelled at me and I hated even more when my wife does it to me, thanks to her peaceful understanding parents…
Very true Rick. Spouse hates that too.
Congratulations Donny and Dana! This is a very special time for both of you to cherish. This is an interesting topic, and I think also very important one because who we are, to a large extent, reflect our upbringing. I am very fortunate to have 2 wonderful parents and if I can raise my children half as well as they did, I’d consider myself lucky. However, no families are perfect…*_* These are the things that I will at least try when we have children:
1. Let them fly! (figuratively, not literally) My parents were way too protective of me. At every step of my education and career, I wanted to move away to have a taste of independence. But they always said No, citing practical reasons such as saving money, home cooking, dangers of living on my own etc. But children when coming of age need to learn how to be independent and fend off challenges of life on their own, without their parents’ daily inspection.
2. Teach them manners and proper ways to interact with others, from family members to strangers. Little things matter! I married somebody whose family place very little importance on “decorum”, and sometimes it can come across as “thie^’u lich. su*.” or “kho^ng bie^’t ddie^`u”.
3. Let them discover what their passions are and pursue it. Work without passion is torture, and they should not be stuck doing what their parents want them to do for the rest of their lives.
American government needs your child because they print so much money without gold support, like toilet paper.Who pay back the debts:several next generations(including you,your relitives,your friends…).AIG CEO spends more than 400,000/day for lusury hotel,face massage,manicure…after getting several billions taxpayers money bailout from Paulson,Bernanke,senators and congressmen…Several automobile industries CEO spend several millions for private jets,luxury expenses… to Washington for asking several billions taxpayers bailout:they say they don’t have money,but only for their luxury life like royal life and $50/h for union workers.
Americans watch more fotball and pay their debts without knowing it.America is the biggest debtor in the whole world at all time,with several thousands trillions(not billions)debts.People don’t care?
America is doomed as I said longtime ago.
Today Clinton,McCain…are working very closely with the person they called terrorist awhile ago.Is it funny?
ES it ‘s call politicians. I am glad they come together for a good cause – saving America. Sorry for being off the topic, but they should not bail out Wall street or the auto companies. These companies are failing due to their own mismanagement. Let them fail, let the economy act the way it supposed to act.
i’ll throw in my two cents..er.. i mean someone else’s 2 cents.
these cents are older so worth a little more than mine after inflation.
enjoy
Congratulations on your baby news :)